Breathing While Drowning is about my fall into grief after the death of my 4-year-old daughter Jacqueline Bree. Through sharing journals that I wrote to Jacqui throughout her life and for a few years after, I reflect on the lesson I learned as a young mother who gave birth and then lost a child who had a fragile hold on life.

Re-reading those moments with tears and smiles 20 years after writing them, I re-discovered a myriad of emotional, physical and spiritual experiences and choices that shaped me and directed my future.

Now, with hindsight and the wisdom of years, I can look on that young woman and see how far she’s come, what she and I learnt along the way. I can compassionately view the experiences of her birthing a child with a disability, her refusal to accept western medicine’s null prognosis, her search for answers, purpose and direction and how she and I fell into grief and for almost 20 years lived as if we could never feel whole again.

Grief is never gone

There are still days when I have to remind myself to breathe, when I can't see the edge of the ocean and when that drowning feeling threatens to engulf me. But these days I’m better at recognising the signs; I know where the life buoys and dry land are, I know how to use them and I can ask for help.

So, what’s the useful truth of my words, my memories, my quest for wholeness?

My wish for you is to have a remarkable life. Live and grieve on your own time, your life belongs to you and everything you think, feel, do and believe matters – that’s what counts.

Stop searching outside for who you are, for meaning in your life. Look inside, take the most dangerous adventure: the journey to you. Don’t get suckered by the excitement and hype of the hero’s journey because women have their own unique and powerful adventures and we take the quest our way.

Let yourself be surprised by life and the potential of you and those around you to live it consciously, creatively, confidently, remarkably.

Breathing While Drowning is a life map for anyone who has lost someone or something deeply important: a child, a friend or a even a piece of themselves.

By sharing the signposts that helped me find my way home,  I hope you can find your own way to feeling, healing and reconnection to your dreams.

You can read an excerpt below.